http://www.trammellphoto.com/twinkling-stage/
poem in rough draft stage, comment, sil vous plait?
I choke back tears as the city lights start blurring into each other.
Glistening twinkles turning into a mass of garish light.
I feel so cold.
I drape my jacket even tighter around myself,
surprised to note that it does little to warm me.
My thoughts turn back to you.
I left you behind, ten blocks away.
Ten and a half blocks now.
Almost eleven now.
Tears pour out as I recall all the things we never did,
all the memories we couldn’t make,
all the “somedays” we were planning.
In the end there was barely enough time for:
a hug,
a kiss,
and a goodbye.
God, I feel so cold.
Someone once said that poetry is the process of holding an object up to the light. I think that’s what you need to do more of. You’re just describing things unoriginally and whining. Go more into the coldness in order to make the ending more effective. To raise the tension talk about something very close near the beginning, and something very far away just before the end. Mess around with the order a bit. Remember that just because it’s the first thing you wrote, doesn’t make it the best beginning. Same applies to the end. You should aim to cut it down by about a third. Think more about line breaks and enjambement, is there something you could do to make them more effective? You don’t need to be so blindingly obvious about everything, you could make it a little more ambiguous. For example, if you took out the “My thoughts turn back to you” line, then you might add a little bit of a turning point and mystery, rather than just an experience, a feeling, and an explanation. It’s needs a big rewrite.
Read it aloud, feel the sounds of words and work out which ones you want to carry through.
150mw RGY Twinkling Fireworks Laser Stage Light- TL2028+
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LadyBug DJ Lighting Sound Activated Disco Music Laser stage Lighting with USB Slot This unit is intended for indoor use only and should avoid from water, moisture and shake It must be powered off after continuously working about 2 hours to let the laser diode cool down Please turn it off when not in use and remove the battery Do not use it to watch the laser rays that will hurt your eyes Laser products are regulated by some countries, Customers should contact local customs or re… |